I'm RICK JAMES, bitch!
(Rick James - Superfreak)

So I’ve been back from the cottage for two days now and I don’t know why but I’m still dead tired. All I’ve wanted to do the last 2 days is sleep. Maybe I’ve got west nile disease from all the mosquito bites or I’m just suffering from prolonged heat exhaustion.

Highlights from the cottage trip…

- PONTOON!! – the greatest party boat ever. There’s nothing better than a floating deck that has room for 10-14 people to party and fish on. Unless of course your name is P. Diddy and you have a yacht.
- Jen learning the hard way that passing on a one lane hwy around a bend and uphill is a baddddddddd idea.
- Filleting my first fish and picking scales out of my hair and teeth. Never smile while removing scales from a fish.
- Watching Arrested Development and the Dave Chappelle show – "I’m RICK JAMES, bitch!"
- Catching our first pike. The Pike Master award goes to Garry! Here’s a guy who has never caught anything on any fishing trip we’ve been on, but give him a Yamamoto worm to work with and we turn him into a professional angler.
- Mr.Yamamoto makes goooood cookies! Who would’ve thought I’d go through 3 bags of Yamamoto worms in one weekend? For the record, Mr. Yamamoto has yet to be shut out on any fishing trip.
- Mixed drinks that taste like crap. Let’s leave the drink making to the bartenders. Caipirinha’s taste good only if they’re made by a Brazilian much like Cuban cigars are only good if they’re rolled by Cubans. Caesars are only good if you actually put some Clamato juice in it. Otherwise you can just call it vodka, tobasco and Worchester.
- Getting stranded at the other end of the lake without gas and having two of our finest swimmers (Hasselhoff and Pamela), swim back to shore to hitch a ride with country hicks. One of which is the driver, a 14 year old girl, who’s engaged to be married to a 16 year old guy. Then having the cottage owner boat out and fill up your gas tank. Future mental note: make sure you have a full gas tank before boating down the river.
- Being a buffet for all the mosquitoes up North.
- Fuzzy duck, ducky fuzz, duzzy, duzzy fuck, fucky duzz, fucky duck --> DRINK!
- "Jokers are worth zero!!" --> worst on-the-spot rule change for a drinking game ever! If anyone has ever played the Indian drinking game, throw in a joker and make it worth zero. Then force the person who picks the joker to drink an entire drink. Almost as good as the time we decided that if you say any personal pronouns, you had to drink. Speaking in third person is funny when you’re drunk.

Double-header.

fillet-o-fish!

I passed on the gay pride parade for fishing!

Look Ma!

Bass Master in training.

5 Across the Eye
(Coldplay - What If)

You can always tell when people are having bad days. People who are having bad days become bad poker players. They have all these "tells" that give away the relative strength of their hand. For example, the crazy lady at my workplace is in a bad mood today. She’s banging on her keyboard again. That’s her tell. She takes out all her frustrations on her keyboard.

(I’d hate to be a keyboard; it would suck having someone pressing my buttons all day long.)

My tell is shortness in patience. I’m generally impatient to begin with but on a bad day, my patience is almost zero. I can’t wait 2 minutes for my computer to reboot. I can’t wait 30 seconds for my program to compile. I can’t wait 5 minutes to get an email reply back from a vendor about a quote.

Back to the crazy lady. Her other tell is huffing. She likes to huff when she’s frustrated -- Like little kids in toy stores that can’t get their parents to buy them that cool action figure or Barbie. If she were part of my family and tried to do that in the toy store, she would’ve had five across the eye as soon as she got home. Yet somehow, that’s not acceptable in the workplace.

I'm peeling from last weekend in the sun without sunscreen. Earlier today I peeled a nice big chunk of skin from my left forearm. I'm going to give this piece as a present to Sonia just in case I go missing and they need a piece of DNA to match up with the decomposing body they found in the lake. She's going to be really surprised later tonight when we have dinner. Thoughtful gifts are always better than expensive gifts.

"Excuse me sir, can you please step out of that golf cart."
Flock of Seagulls – I Ran

FRIDAY!!...FUCK YEAH!

Friday rocks and I’m ready for a stiff drink…

Today’s drink of choice…

Caipirinha
Cachaca
Sugar
Lime

(Cachaca is the Brazilian version of acqua viva; while anglo-saxons have whisky, French have cognac, Japanese have sake, Russians have vodka, Germans have kirsch, Brazilians have cachaca. Cachaca is produced from destilation of sugar cane. Also popular are the variations of caipirinhas: replace cachaca with vodka, and you have caipiroska; replace the lime with other fruits, and you have caipifrutas (caipiruva - grape, caipirango - strawberry, etc).)
...

A friend of mine, Mark, had a company golf tournament to attend. In preparation for the yearly tournament, the employees typically pick their own foursomes. Mark picked 2 of his closest coworkers, Bob, John and the new "hot" chic that was recently hired. Before even hitting a single ball, they proceed to down shots of tequila and have several stiff drinks. They finally get on the course, drunk out of their minds. They proceed to do very little golfing and a lot of "racing" with the golf carts. One of the guys manages to crash the golf cart into a tree. With the golf cart now smoking and out of commission, my friend asks the hot girl and one of the other guys to go back to the clubhouse to get some help.

Fifteen minutes goes by. No help in sight.

Thirty minutes goes by. No help in sight.

Finally a golf cart arrives. It turns out the people in the golf cart are the CEO and his manager. Up until this point, Mark had a very good reputation with the company CEO and his manager. Mark starts to explain to the CEO what happened with the golf cart and said that he had sent Bob and the hot girl to go get help. The CEO, while laughing, said that he didn’t hear it from Bob or the hot girl. He had heard it from one of the groundskeepers that was patrolling the course. Then he proceeds to pull Mark over to a nearby tree.

"Mark, check out what I managed to capture with my digital camera on the way here."

He then proceeds to show Mark a video of Bob and the hot girl making out in some bushes on the golf course.

Luckily for Mark, Bob, John and the hot girl, the CEO had a sense of humour and did not reprimand or fire anyone.

All future company tournaments required employees to sign a waiver for any liability done to the golf course or equipment rented. Alcohol was still permitted though.

Moral of the story :

Drinking, "driving", corporate events and hot girls DO NOT MIX.

SELECT qrySalesVsForecast.TM_Number, qrySalesVsForecast.[TM NAME], qrySalesVsForecast.Period, qrySalesVsForecast.Quarter, qrySalesVsForecast.Month, qrySalesVsForecast.[Brady Actual], qrySalesVsForecast.[Brady Forecast], qryPriorYearSales_Crosstab.Brady AS [Brady Prior Year], IIf([Brady Actual<>0],([Brady Actual]/[Brady Forecast]*100),0) AS [Brady % to Plan], IIf([Brady Prior Year]<>0,([Brady Actual]/[Brady Prior Year]*100),0) AS [Brady % to Prior Year], qrySalesVsForecast.[Tachy Act], qrySalesVsForecast.[Tachy Forecast], qryPriorYearSales_Crosstab.Tachy AS [Tachy Prior Year], IIf([Tachy Forecast]<>0,([Tachy Actual]/[Tachy Forecast]*100),0) AS [Tachy % to Plan], IIf([Tachy Prior Year]<>0,([Tachy Actual]/[Tachy Prior Year]*100),0) AS [Tachy % to Prior Year], qrySalesVsForecast.[EP Act], qrySalesVsForecast.[EP Forecast], qryPriorYearSales_Crosstab.EP AS [EP Prior Year], IIf([EP Forecast]<>0,([EP Actual]/[EP Forecast]*100),0) AS [EP % to Plan], IIf([EP Prior Year]<>0,([EP Actual]/[EP Prior Year]*100),0) AS [EP % to Prior Year], qrySalesVsForecast.[ESI Act], qrySalesVsForecast.[ESI Forecast], qryPriorYearSales_Crosstab.ESI AS [ESI Prior Year], IIf([ESI Forecast]<>0,([ESI Actual]/[ESI Forecast]*100),0) AS [ESI % to Plan], IIf([ESI Prior Year]<>0,([ESI Actual]/[ESI Prior Year]*100),0) AS [ESI % to Prior Year], qrySalesVsForecast.[Angio-Seal Act], qrySalesVsForecast.[Angio-Seal Forecast], qryPriorYearSales_Crosstab.[Angio-Seal] AS [Angio-Seal Prior Year], IIf([Angio-Seal Forecast]<>0,([Angio-Seal Actual]/[Angio-Seal Forecast]*100),0) AS [Angio-Seal % to Plan], IIf([Angio-Seal Prior Year]<>0,([Angio-Seal Actual]/[Angio-Seal Prior Year]*100),0) AS [Angio-Seal % to Prior Year], qrySalesVsForecast.[CVA Act], qrySalesVsForecast.[CVA Forecast], qryPriorYearSales_Crosstab.CVA AS [CVA Prior Year], IIf([CVA Forecast]<>0,([CVA Actual]/[CVA Forecast]*100),0) AS [CVA % to Plan], IIf([CVA Prior Year]<>0,([CVA Actual]/[CVA Prior Year]*100),0) AS [CVA % to Prior Year], qrySalesVsForecast.[Mech Valves Act], qrySalesVsForecast.[Mech Valves Forecast], qryPriorYearSales_Crosstab.[Mech Valves] AS [Mech Valves Prior Year], IIf([Mech Valves Forecast]<>0,([Mech Valves Actual]/[Mech Valves Forecast]*100),0) AS [Mech Valves% to Plan], IIf([Mech Valves Prior Year]<>0,([Mech Valves Actual]/[Mech Valves Prior Year]*100),0) AS [Mech Valves % to Prior Year], qrySalesVsForecast.[Tissue Valves Act], qrySalesVsForecast.[Tissue Valves Forecast], qryPriorYearSales_Crosstab.[Tissue Valves] AS [Tissue Valves Prior Year], IIf([Tissue Valves Forecast]<>0,([Tissue Valves Actual]/[Tissue Valves Forecast]*100),0) AS [Tissue Valves % to Plan], IIf([Tissue Valves Prior Year]<>0,([Tissue Valves Actual]/[Tissue Valves Prior Year]*100),0) AS [Tissue Valves % to Prior Year], qrySalesVsForecast.[Repair Act], qrySalesVsForecast.[Repair Forecast], qryPriorYearSales_Crosstab.Repair AS [Repair Prior Year], IIf([Repair Forecast]<>0,([Repair Actual]/[Repair Forecast]*100),0) AS [Repair % to Plan], IIf([Repair Prior Year]<>0,([Repair Actual]/[Repair Prior Year]*100),0) AS [Repair % to Prior Year], qrySalesVsForecast.[Total Sales], qrySalesVsForecast.[Forecasted Sales], qryPriorYearSales_Crosstab.[Total Sales] AS [Total Sales Prior Year], IIf([Forecasted Sales]<>0,([Total Sales]/[Forecasted Sales]*100),0) AS [Total % to Plan], IIf([Total Sales Prior Year]<>0,([Total Salesl]/[Total Sales Prior Year]*100),0) AS [Total % to Prior Year]
FROM qrySalesVsForecast INNER JOIN qryPriorYearSales_Crosstab ON (qrySalesVsForecast.Period = qryPriorYearSales_Crosstab.period) AND (qrySalesVsForecast.TM_Number = qryPriorYearSales_Crosstab.[SALES PERSON]);

This shit is bananas...BA-NA-NA-S.

Where's the extra-strength?

The Man is Holding Us Down
(Thievery Corporation - Lebanese Blonde)

Apparently blogging can get you fired now...so beware...

YOU'RE FIRED!

FLUC YOU!
(Coldplay – What If)

For the record, I don’t condone stereotyping...but this is a funny joke…

An Asian man was trying to exchange yen for dollars and asks
the American bank teller, "Why it change? Yestoday I get two
hunat dollar fo yen - today I get hunat eighty?
The bank teller says, "Fluctuations."
The Asian man says, "Fluc you white guys too!"
...

And FLUC you birds for shitting on my car one weekend after I wash it!!

Not only did they shit on my car, they did it right on the driver side windshield, eye-level. So I have to look at this smear of white feces while I drive...

It sort of reminds me of those odd shapes that psychiatrists/psychologists ask you to look at and identify.

"What does this look like to you?"
"It looks like a butterfly…made out of bird shit."
...

Countdown...

1.5 weeks til my 4 day vacation at the cottage. We rented a PONTOON for the 4 days as well. Contrary to popular belief, that is not a sex toy. It’s a big boat that looks like a floating deck. It seats 8-10 people, has a fish-finder and lots of storage room for cold beverages. Hopefully some really cold, stiff beverages because I can use a few right now.

2.5 weeks til my 7 day vacation up North on Manitoulin Island with Wanda. Our second vacation together. Last year we went to Vancouver. We spent most of our time on the Sunshine Coast fishing, hiking and enjoying some of the most beautiful sunsets I’ve ever seen. We hiked through a temperate rainforest and saw a giant whirlpool, picked wild blackberries, fed wild bald eagles and picked up fresh oysters from some of the islands along the coast. This year we’re going to enjoy the outdoors again by renting a cottage and doing some fishing, hiking and sight-seeing up North. Vacation can’t come soon enough!!

Heat Wave
(Coldplay – Talk)

The weather in Toronto the past week has been disgustingly hot. We’re getting 40 C weather in early June. That’s unheard of. I’m expecting the crazy lady in my office to scream out “I’m melting, I’m melting!” any day now.

I went fishing on the weekend and for the first time for as long as I’ve known, I got a sun burn. Normally, I could stay in the sun all-day long and the only effect it would have on me is that I would get dark and people would accuse me of being Cambodian.

My parents have even turned on the A/C at home. They NEVER do that. It could be warm enough to slowly roast a prime rib and they would merely open up a few windows and pretend a cool breeze was passing through. Not this week, we have the A/C turned up to the max.

I feel a bit sorry for my dog Muffin. Imagine wearing a fur coat in the dessert. That can’t be comfortable. He’s cute when he pants though.

This weather sort of reminds me of mid-summer Houston, TX. The few times that I’ve been there, during the day, the city would be a ghost town because no one would dare leave their house. It’s the type of weather that if you were driving on the hwy, the road ahead of you would look distorted because of the heat radiating off of the asphalt.

What exactly can you do in 40 C weather besides sitting inside and sipping on a cool drink? Now if you were on a tropical island, I suppose the heat would be a little more bearable with bikini clad women walking on the beach. Then again, the thought of the crazy lady in my office wearing a bikini is enough to make my balls shrivel and wave a white flag.

God, someone please make the heat go away!

best. tan. ever.

Bass Master Tom